I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
