I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
