I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
As shirtless as possible
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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