I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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