I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
