Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
