listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
