I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
