when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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