There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
