My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i think i have two assholes
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
