rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
