I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
