She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
