I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
