Whatcha textin bout Willis?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
