I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Randomize
