Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
