I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
