My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
