My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
