She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
