Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
