I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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