im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
