I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
