I heard we made out
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
