He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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