My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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