david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
