Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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