mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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