Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
