your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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