So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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