Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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