really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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