i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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