My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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