i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
