Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
