i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
