rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
