Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
