I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
