I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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