A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
