Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
