Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Pants are for mortals
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
