yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
