nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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